No Repentance

.
I've never shot someone in the knee cap,
I really hope to keep it that way,
It sounds exceptionally painful.
I've never stolen another person's work.
I think I may have plagiarized, once,
in elementary,
does that count?
I've never stalked someone before,
unless facebook counts... then yes, many times.

I have in no way deliberately harmed a small child.
But I would, very deliberately,
harm someone deliberately harming a small child,
very violently.
I have never crashed a car into another car,
or anything for that matter,
'course I've just recently started driving.
I've never broken a mirror before,
so presumably, neither seven years bad luck.

I have never gone streaking before,
I'm pretty certain I could outrun the cops,
I'd just have to be considerably,
more comfortable with my body.
I've never robbed a bank.
I won't say that's never been appealing to me,
if I could even get away with something like that.
I've never killed another human being,
or any living thing
(besides spiders)
I wonder how that would feel.

I've never smoked a cigarette,
not even a puff.
Thank goodness, now I still have my lungs.
I have never drunken an entire bottle of alcohol,
hence, never lost control of my actions and thoughts,
or my precious kidneys.
I've never received an end of the year F,
I've kept them to A's and B's
for the most part.

I have never sworn at an inane teacher,
ok that one was a lie.
I've never participated in satanic rituals,
nor have I ever had the desire to,
those things give me the creeps.
I have never ever stolen a baby from it's crib,
although some are inhumanly tempting.
I've never broken a naive heart,
at least not to my knowledge.

I've never burnt down a house before,
I'm sure I would feel terrible if I did,
especially if somebody aquired injuries in the process
I've never intentionally caused someone
emotional stress.
And... hmmm...
I have never made a list of things
I've never done before.
.

Deformation of Affection

.

Love

Misused

Confused

Lost Amidst Misunderstanding

Thrown Around Among Frivolity

Misplaced Meaning

Spoken with Opposition to its True Denotation

Warped

Falsely Defined

Term Uttered in Replacement of Lust

Said when Feelings Reverse

Carries Pain

No Longer Pure, Sanitary

Mixed with Enraged Emotions

Scarred with Jealousy

Torn by Addicted Misusers

Dropped

Forgotten

Overtime, Twisted in Adolescent Mentality

Thought of as Corporeal Satisfaction

Contorted

Distorted

Hacked to Fine Pieces

Severed Segments

Repaired to What it Was Not Before

Fading in the Midst of Less Significant Vocabulary

Buried by Irrelevant Terminology

Stripped of its Unique Flavor

Painted with Dissimilar Unsightly Colors

Incorrectly Labeled

Spit from Mouths

Swallowed by Ears

Again and Again and Aain

Abused Unrelentingly

Drowned with Juvenile Tears

Continuously Stabbed by Confusion

Slapped by Insensitive Individuals

Rubbed in the Dirt

Trampled

Left Behind

No Longer Vital Enough to Even Express Amusement at

In Desperate Need of Rescue

.

Senseless Pages.

.

This group was mounted.

But there's another thing.

I'll never forget your courage.

That in only a few months.

Inhabited.

These two passions.

A pile of small change.

No belief or religious principle.

Yes, you are right.

Because you have not only fed, housed, and

                                   cared for me.

I must admit.

Recognized as the supreme.

Who had spoken to him.

Lead about on a string.

She had developed some very odd old-maidish

                                   quirks.

Translate emotion into action.

Become demanding.

Trembling with the nervous tremor.

That moment was not to leave her again.

And do you know what he replied.

Marry her.

If I had not been afraid.

This change of color gave something piquant.

The amount of his profit.

A scene which took place at the beginning of

                                   March 1843.

He who has made no mistake.

I don't belong here.

An old friend of mine.

An absorbing interest.

About three years after his marriage, in 1841.

.

T h e G ym .

.

Stretching   to              my toes ,    straining  ,   tension,

 holding,      discomfort,      i n c r e a s i n g   flexibility.

Pointing   my    feet , elongating  my                        legs.

R e ac h i n g my fingers, pulling at air to reach farther.

Grunt.     F a l l      b a c k   into      my    b o d y    frame.

          Breath.  Jump ,   forcing  m y  weight into the air.

Calves   f l e x i n g  .         Body      h e a t     warm i n g.

H e ar t  rate gradually raising. Push off with  my toes.

 Exertion  in  cal ves     ,      thig hs    ,      ha mstrings  .

P a t t e r i n g  arou nd  the   track   at an  easy    pace.

Slowly  filling  my  lungs  with  a i r...  release,   repeat.

Heart rate increasing, bloodpumping slightly speedier.

Quicken pace,  f e e t  pounding as I  pass lap after lap.

       Sweat  starts  pouring,  more  difficulty   breathing.

G a s p i n g ,     ru n n ing,     p  e  r  s  p  i  r  a  t  i  n  g .

Comfort comes through labored breathing. Happiness.

     N o      j u d g m e n t  ,      n o      e x p e c t a t i o n s.

No        conversations       to                           keep      up.

Ju st    me    and    my  b o dy,    tryin g    to    imp r ove.

Music  is  my  c o m p a n y, sweat  is  my  best  friend.

  F o r t i t u d e .      Work      harder,     better,     faster.

La y   my    b ody  on    the  m at ,   li ft   off   my  ba ck,

 ra ise   chest  to    my   kne es ,            up ,           down.

U p ,   d own .   Continue  lifting,    abdominal burning.

 P u s h i n g    to  t he  li m it ,        and    t hen   som e .

Flip over , stomach down, place hands flat on ground.

Inhale, push my body up. Exhale, gently drop it down.

 Ar m s     b e n t   at   a  nin ety   de g r ee            angle.

C  h  e  s  t       five  inc hes   f rom         the  g r o u n d ,

 i  n  h  a  l  e ,     up.     E  x  h  a  l  e ,      gently    down.

Pu sh i ng,    s we atin g ,   gr o an in g ,    b u r n i n g .

 Pus h  my  body  u p r i g h t ,  start   t o   patter again.

A r o u n d the track, now pounding. Heavy breathing.

M usic  singing me forward, no  al l owance  for slack.

S t o p .          F um ble     d o w n     onto   t h e    m a t ,

m o r e back raising up, down. Pushing, inhale, exhale.

                        L i f t    m y    b o d y    o n c e    a g a i n.

Ea sy     pa t terin g                    aro u nd   th e      t rack.

Breathing  comes   easier,  heart   rate  d e c r e a s e s,

b u r n i n g  continues.  Pat,  pat,   pat,   swift walking.

 C o o l i n g  d o w n .     Sw eat  pours  like a fountain.

             Dr ench i n g  ,      n e c k ,      b a c k ,      f a c e.

Drop   down    onto the mat.    Reach  fingers  to  toes.

                              R e l e a s e      s o m e     b u r n i n g .

Point,         stretch,           reach,                                          b r e a t he.

.

Five Chapters

.
Chapter I

A subtle call, crying my name.
I attempt to ignore it
but the screaming is piercing
so I give in, cover my ears
feel the silence, revel in it.
I am in my happy place.
I am calm now.

Chapter II

No longer subtle, my name is bellowed.
Ringing, reverberating off the walls of my head.
Immediately cupping my hands to my ears
in my noiseless, carefree, imaginary land.
I am alone.
And I am happy.

Chapter III

I am running.
Running to the call
the echoing  of my name.
I hear it, shrieking.
My hands are already over my ears.
Yes. That is what I wanted.
I am in silence in the presence of shrieking.
It is alright.
Everything is okay now.

Chapter IV

I hear the yelling again.
I am always hearing it.
I try to bear it, try to sit amongst it.
Do not give in... do not give in...
My hands dash to my ears
...sigh...
Happy now... no worries?...

Chapter V

I hear a continuous whispering, hardly.
It is irritating, hardly.
I start to whistle, hum to myself.
My hands are in my lap
my happy place is gone
because I am always happy.
Calm.
Alright.
Okay.
Happy now.
No worries.
I am Happy.
.

Days Of Me

.

When people think they know me,

I wonder, do they really,

me, excessively content me,

marathon-a-minute mind me.

Shy me, smiley me, one of a kind me.

Calorie conscious me, fretful me,

Laps around the track, running,

sweating, mindful of the fat that's

burning, the fat thats not burning,

run harder, faster, don't stop, out of control.

Insecure me, not good enough me,

fiddle in my seat, glance around,

attentive to who is watching me.

Timid me, don't look them in the eyes.

Hearing impaired me, what was

that, what did they say, did she speak

my name, what... what... what...

Silly me, laughing till stomach throbs,

obnoxious, falling over, pleasure

leaping from my mouth, giggling,

snickering at nothing, silence, memoirs.

Organized me, pre-setter out, aware of

irrelevant particulars, stresser of

inconsequential details and petty

commentary, foolish me.

Inappropriate minded me, tainted

thoughts, wipe them clean, tougher

than it appears, trying me.

Genial me, affable to strangers, pleaser

of persons, easily amiable me, friendly me.

Easy loser of footing, blusher of cheeks.

Undecided me, non lover of assessment

making, hater of deciding.

Big reaction wanting me, approval from

paradigm merrily accepting, hoping

for legitimate significance.

Stubborn me, inspiration in psyche, incapable

of escape, unwilling to release, hostage

keeper of belief, warder of opinion.

Overly compassionate me, excessively

thoughtful me, dig in deep, planter

of emotions, overdone affections for

those who care the very least, flippant

annotations for those who love

unreservedly, setter up for self affliction.

Distracted me, incapable me.

Disregarded me, feeler of being

overlooked, worrier of dissatisfaction,

wanting to gratify others, tricky,

others difficult to gratify, try anyways.

Exciting me, affectionate me,

enjoyable to be around, lover of

making others laugh, making others

happy, lover of improving others

situations, helper of damaged souls.

Plain me, simple me, lover of music,

lover of company, people, friendship.

Walker of feet, breather of air, step by

unrelenting step, liver of days. Sleeping me,

shutter of eyes, head rester on pillow,

swallow in unsullied heavens, clean,

bliss, happy me.

.

Standing in Broken Shoes

.
.
Flakes are threading from the sky, and I shiver.  Shove my tattered brown sleeves forward and fruitlessly rub friction between my icy hands.  It seems useless to attempt to warm my chilling bones but I have nothing better to do otherwise.  My feet have surpassed the burning feeling and have been swallowed by numb.  At least they don't hurt anymore.  My chattering teeth have become music from monotonous clicketing.  All the music I have besides senseless tunes hummed by passersby, who pay me no attention as I crumple my knees to my chest.  They shiver and complain as they pass, ignoring me, sitting still in the snow.  Their pricey overcoats and sweaters warming their suffering limbs, if they've ever even experienced the true meaning of suffer.  I shrug my torn, battered, and infested frump of a coat closer around my shoulders.  It hugs me with little warmth, if any.  Wish I had a car to rush to, a house to sleep in to protect my fragile famished body.  But I don't.  And I sit here.  In the snow.  By the side of the street.  Praying for someone to take me in.  To look past my grubby stubbled face and see my soul, my withering aching soul.  But they wont.  They never do.  They never will... God give me strength...
.
.

W-I-L-D

.
.
.
Wild.

Out of control.

Uncomparative to simplicity.

Irregular rapid motion.

Different from the norm.

Spastic jerking movement.

Rebellious.

Largely surpassing amusment.

Untamed free animals.

Superior to that of classic.

The act of going against the rules.

Bush grown, uncleaned berries.

Breathless entertainment.

Erratically positioned clumps of vibrant flora.

Mindblowing.

Near unreality.

Define. Wild.
.
.
.

The Picture On the Wall

He Looks Me In The Eyes

His Smile Chiseled And Unmoving

His Brows Moderately Bushy

But He's Beautiful

And I Can't Peel My Eyes From Him

He Doesn't Move His Eyes

Pasted On Me

But I Feel No...

I Don't Feel Strange

It's Not Uncomfortable

He Stares At Me

And Always Will, Everyday

Everyday I Sit Myself In This Seat

He Will Stare, And Smile

unmoving

unmoving unmoving

The Stubble On His Chin

unmoving

The Unkempt Hair In Every Direction

Will Stay In Those Directions

unmoving

His Pinched Asian-Like Eyes

unmoving

Watching Me

Watching Everyone I'm Sure

But For Me

It's Personal

It Just Is

He's Watching Me

And He's

unmoving

He'll Never Move

Never Change

Never Move

But Stay

unmoving

Plastered On The Wall

A Picture Forever

Unless By Divine Intervention

And Even Then

He Will Continue

unmoving

Things I Didn't Know I Loved...

Its 2010 February 1st

I'm in my bathroom standing directly over the heating vent

hot air rushing up my legs

I never knew I liked

heaters creating a warm tingling sensation on a chilled winter morning

I don't like

winter mornings

I didn't know I loved brushing my teeth

the cleansing bristles tickling my pearly whites

and sloshing cool water throughout my now smooth, minted mouth

I never knew I loved mouthwash

the uncomfortable sting

that you know is killing all clingy bacteria in or out of sight

I didn't know I loved blankets

even thin abrasive ones

I think it's essentially the feeling of collective security

your whole self

united as one when its warmth encases you in entirety

I was unaware of my love for my bed

it's unlike other beds

for the fact that its my own I think

my body has become accustomed to its feel that none other can compare

possession

I never knew I loved laughing

unpolluted ecstasy bubbling from ones lips

the few seconds of knowing nothing but pleasure

when laughing the mind swabs vacant no matter the predicament

in that one moment nothing skitters through the brain

only contentment

I never knew I loved bodies

specifically the masculine male kind

shirtless and damp with perspiration I could gaze for endless hours

flexation then relaxation

continually taking turns as droplets of moisture slip from the significantly firm surface

I want to glide my fingers across it

I didn't know I loved physical contact

the sensation of skin on skin

or just the soft or aggressive touch of another being

why does physical contact evoke such arousal

has it just always been that way

I don't care

I find it irresistible

I didn't know I loved pictures

they capture a memory whether pleasent or depressing

wanted or unwanted

beautiful or unsightly

memorable or forgettable

genuine or fake

thoughtful or fleeting

it's imprisoned

till burned

I didn't know I loved chocolate

well

I think everyone knows they love chocolate

I never knew I loved music

the numerous sounds flowing in contrast

one of the few times diversity can be joined so efficiently

our ears incarcerate them all as a whole

never set free

even in old age

I forgot I loved black men

skin like porcelain

ebony black

slightly bronzed

beautiful

I love it all

I'll never forget my love for black men

I didn't know I loved exercising

the strain on muscles

the awareness of becoming stronger with ever step

every lift

every cycle

the liberation of endorphins and accumulation of energy

the definition and hardening of the body

I didn't know I loved being sore

tension in places I forgot I had

sighing with every degree of movement and wincing with every lift of a limb

wanting to lay still for perpetuity

I didn't know I loved reading

the ability to lose yourself in anothers world

to escape to an alternate reality on paper and return whenever desired

to later fantasize yourself as another person

I never knew I loved fantasizing

pretending to be someone else

or just yourself in a different exsistence

you can do whatever you want

be with who you want the most because they will be the person that you want them to be

doing the things with them that you've always wanted to

no one can judge you

cause no one knows

I never knew I loved showers

warm water striking the surface of your body

drumming the hanging curtain

beating against the hard cold porcelain

rinsing away the dirt of what the world wants you to be

I didn't know I loved napping

an hour of shut eye

on a cozy familiar sofa

the amicable chatter of recognizable people surrounding you

lulling you to unconsciousness

I never knew I loved boys

the silly kind

that make you laugh

the beautiful kind

that make you fidget

the inappropriate kind

that make you blush

the sincere kind

that make you happy

the tender kind

that make you important

the incredible kind

that make you smile

the special kind

that make you love

I didn't know I loved God

but now I do

and as I stand in my bathroom

watching my reflection and attempting to decide who I am

I reminisce about the things that I love

because it makes me happy.