Papa

.
Even taking a breath was
                                      agony.
Be careful, be very careful.
Her free hand placed on her head.

      He had seemed immortal.
      the small wooden gate,
      mama did not come home
that night.

The words kept
               turning
               into
               blood
each time i read them.

                                           Light and Water.
What was the riot about?
i held the clothes carefully.
Things started to fall apart
       at home.
Should not waste his energy,
fathers car smelled like him.

   She asked her children if they wanted
                                           to come into the house.
   But they would not come.
   The ones left behind did not
                  even
   have the strength to dance.

He admitted that his mother had not really died.
I said no, and
                                                      we
sat silently,
our hands
                                                     clasped
for a long
                                                     time.

He looked down,
his legs bent into a triangle.

Papa came home.

He stared
                  and then turned away.
i looked at him and wondered
what he was thinking.
My stomach was unsteady.
He stood up and retrieved his things.
     God take power from the devil
he muttered.
The next day was Sunday.
i could ease myself.
It had rained all night.

   i forced a cough out of my throat
                                           hoped i would not stutter
i hope you didn't break anything.
He came into the room.
Papa shouted, pointing accusingly.
He was standing behind papa.
i want to leave with him.  i said
as if doing so would make my
words come true.
Papa started to breath in a
noisy, raspy way.
He will be upset.
                                                                 i
took a deep breath and                               Prayed.
The space between us was                          to
small, too tight. i looked away out                my
window.  Your                                             Father
said you are to stay.  He said.

i pressed my face close to the window.

Weeks after, the hollows were still carved
                                           under papa's eyes.
i came home from school.

I should have
                                     never
let you near
him. Papa was
                                     saying
I should have
protected you.
I should have
made him
                                     stop!
sooner.

My hands unconsciously rubbed my potruding belly
Papa looked away shamefully.
i turned to stare at him,
he hated me now.

     Papa's breathing was always noisy, but now
     he panted as if he were out of  b r e a t h , i
     w o n d e r e d   what he  w a s      thinking...

It is a sin.

Why is it a sin?

Father said nothing else.
i hate you.  It felt easy saying that.
Why did you have to make him leave?
i pinched back the tears,
i
would
not
let
Papa
see
me
cry.
A neighbor rapped at the door

           i want to kill myself.  i stumbled out.

His eyes fell to my enlarged stomache.
He looked at me and said,

           You can do anything you want.

It was sunny outside.
Father went upstairs.

i lowered
     myself
and sat.
i cried for a long time.
i did not want to be awake.
i lay on the floor,
curled tight in a ball.

                 Dust settled on the teleision set that hadn't
                 been working for a myriad of months.

A dog barked outside.
The house smelled like
                      pine trees.
Papa's nearly full
medication bottle
lay open on
the cabinet.
And then i just didn't care anymore.
.